Ben

paperkarma @ 2005-07-13T13:44:00

2005-07-13T18:48:54Z

THE GLASS TANGERINE! at Cardis, Saturday, july 16th. 8pm. PLEASE COME AND SUPPORT! cover wont be too much at all im sure. thank you!

paperkarma @ 2005-05-30T19:44:00

2005-05-31T00:49:02Z

emo quiz time ladies and gentlemen. i couldnt resist. :)

if you are reading this, you MUST post a comment.

make it anonymous.

tell me something you've always wanted to say to me, but could never exactly say it TO me. a story, a secret, a dream, anything.

paperkarma @ 2005-05-15T02:48:00

2005-05-15T07:58:42Z

today is sunday now i guess. its too early to say what i have done today so i guess ill start on saturday. i didnt do much yesterday, i guess just hung out, saw kingdom of heaven, it was pretty good, the day before was a bit better. i hung out with diana and michael after school. then sophie silver came and me her and michael went to the movies to see hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. i thoght it was incredibly well done. but i have heard people say it was bad. i dont know why. i saw it with sophie farzam. that made me happy. after i went home with michael. we jammed for a bit then went to joes house. i met up with sophie silver and diana and liz there. there were alotta kids i didnt know but i talked to em and evidentally they were cool.

schools almost out, im way psyched. i cant wait for summer. i hate school so much.

alright every single person who reads this has a job. you cant back out man. you have to comment on how your feeling long term wise. not just like right now. but like how youve been the whole year. i dont even care if i dont know you. i wanna hear it! so please comment. thank you

paperkarma @ 2005-04-27T17:31:00

2005-04-27T22:44:38Z

today is wednesday. nothing is new. i did go to the mars volta concert last night which was really good. its been awhile since i updated because its kind of a drag. but if enough people comment and say they want (or dont want) me to update then ill change my ways. school is almost out and im so fuckin excited. i hate school so much. not neccesarily lamar but just schooling in general. waste of my time, tax payers money, and governments (oh so little) planning. i have another emo question to post cuz its nice to see what people may say

If you read this:

You must post a memory of me.

It can be anything you want; it can be good or bad.

Just so long as it happened.

Then post this to your journal.

See what people remember about you.

that song by hawthorne heights, ohio is for lovers is probably the worst song i ever heard in my life. litterally.

paperkarma @ 2005-03-25T03:42:00

2005-03-25T09:58:01Z

hm its currently 3:42 and im at my good friend Gudur Krishna Rao Mirajkar Joseph Raine Preston Kulkarni s house! got that right( actually he was telling me it while playing Mario Brothers). With James Bennet, David Cisneros( the pimp) diana (bestest girl ever) and sophie silver. This spring break has been very eventful.
On i think it Monday? diana picked me up and we went to galveston, got lost and ended up in pasadena, but eventually got to galveston around 430 and hung with sophie, liz, laura and jordan. it was a good time cool kids right there. i really liked the change of scenery. i got a tan. All i really do nowadays is play pool. i want to get real good but im not that good. getting better though.

{nostalgia so tonight we were on the trampoline for a while with the kids stated earlier. it reminded me of the last time in 8th grade all those kids hung out at kriss party.} but i love the new kids too. they do things for me that i love, and i love em all very much. i played pool with stephanie and rachel two 8th graders which are very cool. especially stephanie cuz i havent seen her in awhile. shes super neat.

ive grown very fond of death cab for cutie. recently have realized what a god ben gibbard is. hes done so many projects and im so amazed by him. and plus thats all we usually listen to in the car so i dig them very much.

well kids im going to go hang out with everyone. not much else to say...hope everything is well and leave some love i would appreciate it. thanks GOOD NIGHT AND TO ALL GOODNIGHT

paperkarma @ 2005-03-14T17:25:00

2005-03-15T00:14:26Z

today is monday. i learned the education system is complete shit today when we watched half baked in health.
i also think that kelly clarkson's song since U been gone is really catchy despite her incoherency. im growing very friendly with diana and i really think shes like my best friend right now cuz i feel like i can talk to her about stuff and its nice to have that comfort. Relized that the mars volta have a cult for them which is pretty cool i guess. enough about me COMMENT ON THIS ENTRY TELLING ME HOW YOUR!!!! DAY WAS!!!!

paperkarma @ 2005-03-06T17:07:00

2005-03-06T23:11:04Z

emooo quizz emoo quiz emoo quiz emoo quiz

Ask me four questions.
* Any four, no matter how personal, private or random.
* I have to answer them honestly. I have to answer them all.
* In turn, you post this message in your own journal and you have to answer the questions that are asked of you.

yayyyy!!!

paperkarma @ 2005-03-05T01:17:00

2005-03-05T07:58:13Z

the last Unicorns show ever was here in Houston around Christmas time 2004. From what i heard, the crowd were complete assholes, pretty fuckin bad farewell concert. the same thing happened at the walkmen show i went to. i hate this town so much sometimes.

For so long I trailed you
now here I am but I can't stand with these jellybones.

anywhom, this week has been uneventful, im grounded due to my poor german grade. worst descision i ever made when i picked german in 7th grade. nothin to write about... i heard sophie and jordan were makin out and i heard you didnt want anyone hearin so im not gonna tell anyone. if you could comment on this sophie i would appreciate it. thanks

i just saw the life of david gale. does anyone notice the STRIKING similiarities to kevin spacey's character in the life of... and se7en??? they so alike its incredible. but I REALLY enjoyed it. well anyways goodbye

paperkarma @ 2005-02-27T02:50:00

2005-02-27T08:57:51Z

oh man dj shadow is crazy awesome. if i ever became a dj it would be DJ Bendy like my name Ben D. hah what a pun. so now its 2 44 and i dont know what i do. i had a fun weekend so far. went to play pool most of alllll of today. yesterday played pool then hookah bar with a buncha kids which was fun, i saw alotta people i know which was cool. here are pics i just totally ripped from dianas journal but nonetheless... old buddies oh man i love that so much

paperkarma @ 2005-02-22T18:20:00

2005-02-23T00:24:43Z

oh and DIANA LIZMI IS A PIMPSTRESS

(inside joke, inside joke, inside joke) YAYYYY!!! shes one neat cat one might say

too bad her musical knowledge is weaker than mine. oh well thats the female inferior race for ya. (comment if neccesary)

paperkarma @ 2005-02-22T18:15:00

2005-02-23T00:22:10Z

today was taks!!! AWESOME!!! 4 hours, i finished in 30 minutes. talk about a fun time i sat and thought for 3 hours. thats alotta thinking. lunch was fun, im gonna start bringing a digital camera cuz all the cool kids do. i was hanging with the jazz band kids as diana calls us. at that time, i thought about my last entry and how all beginnings come to ends yadda yadda and laurens right, (thanks lauren) it will come to an end so might as well enjoy it. so from now im not gonna be emo and fatty. ill be fun and happy. no more periods for me. but after school was fun, hangin with the travis sophie DIANA nick. i ate one half sub and done. thats all there is. absolutely nothin else happened if i went any deeper into the details i would describe what my desk looks like in school.wea(kkk).

paperkarma @ 2005-02-20T01:27:00

2005-02-20T07:38:13Z

today, well yesterday i guess was saturday. i hung out with kris and jb all day. then we went to colonial park with everyone. it was fun. but a resurgence of reluctance comes along with these new friends ive seemed to aquired. i really think theyre really groovy cats. if not the coolest cats around. but through past knowledge and experience, i learn that things come and go pretty fuckin quickly. in 8th grade, i fell in love with a group of kids, one year later, i dont speak to the majority of them. its really weak, so through an extremely emo fit, id like to say a pre-emptive goodbye to my new buddies because losing friends is gradual and it sucks. but it will happen, so fall in love while you can.

paperkarma @ 2005-02-18T00:46:00

2005-02-18T06:51:40Z

its thursday feels like a friday, its not. gettin back to my roots with at the drive in. went to subway for like 4 hours today. went home, i didnt feel so good. now im at home doin absolutely nothin. hopefully tomorrow will be better. nothing else to say...i kinda forgot to write on these things

another one bites the dust

2005-02-12T07:33:43Z

well today was pretty darn eventful, school of course nothin happened of interest. after, me, jn nick walked to slick willies where we met up with tons of others. i quickly had to go eat dinner with my family cuz my grandma was in town and jb came as well. one might say the amazon grill has good food. so afterwards we go to lizs house and theres tons of kids i dont know there along with everyone i do know. and they are lookin for dianas car keys in the lawn. possibility of finding them was zero. so i walk inside hrer house and theres michael nelson with a big ol bottle of vodka and at this moment i had about 4 bottles of liquor in my backpack, party no? no. michael drank about 12 shots of vodka and passed out. we thought nothing of it till his eyes rolled back in his head and he was shivering. so we had to help him alot. but in about 2 hours he looked even worse. so diana, nick, jb, and sophie drove him to the hospital. i went home and around 11 30 i decided to meet up with them to see how michael was doin. i wasnt able to talk to him. and now its 1 30 and i have no idea how serious the alcohol poisoning was. from this point on id like to say our days of partying are gonna be minused a little bit. moral of the story- 12 shots of vodka to a 135 pound kid is not a good idea.

paperkarma @ 2005-02-04T15:34:00

2005-02-04T21:51:51Z

i had a sick day today and its a fuckin friday. its so upsetting. new news, school is starting to go pretty groovy now, now that everyones kinda friends with each other. its really nice.

so my mom called trevors mom and i pretty much have the story now, i probably dont wanna post up everything that happened cuz i dont think he would like that too much, but its comforting to know hes not a moron and he actually did do the right thing.

the news mars volta cd is out, Frances the Mute. im been listening religiously. many would disagree but i have to say its phenominal, its so much more structured and fluid than deloused. i suggest going out and checking it out.

i have a new hat i like alot

but besides that theres nothing, thanks for tunin in

paperkarma @ 2005-01-30T18:43:00

2005-01-31T00:47:46Z

id like to hear what people think about me so im gonna do the emo quiz. so you know please comment filled in and what not, thanks

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?

paperkarma @ 2005-01-26T16:36:00

2005-01-26T22:47:01Z

today is wednesday and alotta strange stuff is happenin. trevor hawks my god old friend has dissappeared. we havent talked to him since friday. he doesnt go to our school anymore. weve called and his mom says, "trevor does not want to talk to any of his friends right now, he is having problems with drug and alcohol abuse and he hopes his friends will work out theirs too." so evidently she changed his school, she wont let us talk to him, she cut of his phone. its really crazy and creepy, friggin mormons. nothin new besides.

46 and 2

paperkarma @ 2005-01-17T17:05:00

2005-01-17T23:10:58Z

nothins that new. i missed goin to a hookah bar last night and my mom bitched at me all day today so i couldnt do anything. i had really nothin to say just wanted to put in that pic i found interesting from the deloused book.

paperkarma @ 2005-01-12T17:26:00

2005-01-12T23:36:34Z

its wednesday. nothing to report on. me and michael have been working nonstop on musicing. everyone got changed out of jazz improv to band but me and 2 other kids cuz they messed up our schedules so we dont have to go to the class since its nonexistant, only a 1st semester class, sweet mistakes.

next journal im gonna post the songs weve been workin on. its instrumental. i defenently dont know if its considered good cuz its hard to judge your own work. lifes goin smoothly. it seems ive met quite a few new people that im very proud to be aquanted with. i passed everything which means i can drive so thats realllyyyy cool. of course my mom and her false promises could mean absolutely nothing but still the thought lingers and its a nice one. trevor got drunk in school which was funny. i think thats it. i feel like im forgettin somethin but ill just update if i think of it, good day

agenda suicide, the drones write in their LJ's hard before they die

2005-01-05T00:35:54Z

today=first day of school,=unentertaining. went after school to jack in the box for a brief 1 minute or so that was the most exciting thing all day which is lame. the band still could use some instruments, peter L will be workin with us. i was considering all your applications, rachels flipping was close to being in the band but she just couldnt cut it. we may need one more guitarist possibly. if theres anyone else please just comment in here.
and leave suggestions for names. i was thinkin THESE BEHEMOTHS MUST FALL but comment with an idea and/or approval of that name. thanks guys.

paperkarma @ 2005-01-02T01:34:00

2005-01-02T07:48:39Z

i love it when you dont know what day it is. i dont know so dont no one tell me. i went to santa fe for like 3 days which was lame. ummm went around as always, been goin to play pool alot, my new years was fun, i think i rekindled a friendship i screwed up on which is real nice. i took a ton of pictures but i forgot the camera at sophies house so shell give it back to me and ill post it on here. yeah im makin a band and PLEASE APPLY if you play any instruments and are interested please contact me, the influences are mogwai, sigur ros, godspeed you black emporer and bands such as these. thank you for your attention

paperkarma @ 2004-12-19T00:16:00

2004-12-19T06:31:03Z

well when i have nothin to do, why not make a list, heres a list of my favorite music artists, please comment if you have any strong feelings towards anyone on the list. its in no particular order.

radiohead
modest mouse
the mars volta
godspeed you black emperor!
the flaming lips
elliott smith
any of ben gibbards projects
tool
the walkmen
grateful dead
keller williams
sparklehorse
a silver mt. zion
jimi hendrix
Led Zeppelin
The Beatles
The Brian Jonestown Massacre
explosions in the sky
cursive

well those are the best of the best i cant really think of anymore if you think id like anyone else please inform me thank you

nothing is new and still i update

2004-12-12T20:02:42Z

its sunday and ive been studyin for finals quite a bit of the day. mostly german cuz thats the one thatll determine wheter i pass or fail. at this point i need about an 84 to pass this semester. friday i went to trevors with kris and jb stayed there. then woke up and went to a study thing. it wasnt so much of studyin as ppl swallowin alotta substances. so i decided i actually needed to study. so i studied with kris while everyone else was doin their own thing. then i went home, slept, woke up, saw eternal sunshine again, reallllyyyy good movie. watch it. then slept again. im here now i studied quite a bit and ready for my german final i think.

Love and Sex With Your Friends by dannygrl0129
Username
Sex
Favorite Color
Love of your life:	thekrogsong
Best sex of your life:	iliveinatree
Will make you come 1000 times:	spatulastick
Will break your heart:	itsraw
Best Kisser:	_freezerburned
Best cuddler:	modest_spoon
You secretly dream of:	sweetpapaki
But this person dreams of you:	loser_21
Will handcuff you and screw you silly:	loser_21

Quiz created with MemeGen!

so miles is the love of my life and peter will make me come 1000 times, i feel like i know more about myself

paperkarma @ 2004-12-08T19:35:00

2004-12-09T02:12:54Z

today is now wednesday. wednesdays are pretty good in my opinion because they mean one day before the day before the end of school which is pretty fuckin sweet. i really wanna see that movie DIG! about the Brian Jonestown massacre who i have found a new interest too and the dandy warhols whom i find a little overrated but never the less good. it looks splendid. manuel told me in the hall theres some girl who knew me in 5th grade and shes mad that i didnt talk to her in the hall. i had no idea who he was talking about and dismissed the topic until after school. I went to that begnet place near lamar with laura and hannah and as i walk in i notice a girl whos very familiar and i recognize her as the exact same girl manuel talked about. but instead of gatherin courage to talk to this once friend i decide against and sit down. woe is me. heres an awesome story by my favorite author i highly suggest reading it

Guts
by Chuck Palahniuk
Inhale.
Take in as much air as you can. This story should last about as long as you can hold your breath, and then just a little bit longer. So listen as fast as you can.
A friend of mine, when he was 13 years old he heard about "pegging." This is when a guy gets banged up the butt with a dildo. Stimulate the prostate gland hard enough, and the rumor is you can have explosive hands-free orgasms. At that age, this friend's a little sex maniac. He's always jonesing for a better way to get his rocks off. He goes out to buy a carrot and some petroleum jelly. To conduct a little private research. Then he pictures how it's going to look at the supermarket checkout counter, the lonely carrot and petroleum jelly rolling down the conveyer belt toward the grocery store cashier. All the shoppers waiting in line, watching. Everyone seeing the big evening he has planned.
So my friend, he buys milk and eggs and sugar and a carrot, all the ingredients for a carrot cake. And Vaseline.
Like he's going home to stick a carrot cake up his butt.
At home, he whittles the carrot into a blunt tool. He slathers it with grease and grinds his ass down on it. Then, nothing. No orgasm. Nothing happens except it hurts.
Then, this kid, his mom yells it's supper time. She says to come down, right now.
He works the carrot out and stashes the slippery, filthy thing in the dirty clothes under his bed.
After dinner, he goes to find the carrot, and it's gone. All his dirty clothes, while he ate dinner, his mom grabbed them all to do laundry. No way could she not find the carrot, carefully shaped with a paring knife from her kitchen, still shiny with lube and stinky.
This friend of mine, he waits months under a black cloud, waiting for his folks to confront him. And they nev¬er do. Ever. Even now that he's grown up, that invisible carrot hangs over every Christmas dinner, every birthday party. Every Easter egg hunt with his kids, his parents' grandkids, that ghost carrot is hovering over all of them. That something too awful to name.
People in France have a phrase: "staircase wit." In French: esprit de l'escalier. It means that moment when you find the answer, but it's too late. Say you're at a par¬ty and someone insults you. You have to say something. So under pressure, with everybody watching, you say something lame. But the moment you leave the party....
As you start down the stairway, then-magic. You come up with the perfect thing you should've said. The perfect crippling put-down.
That’s the spirit of the stairway.
The trouble is, even the French don't have a phrase for the stupid things you actually do say under pressure. Those stupid, desperate things you actually think or do.
Some deeds are too low to even get a name. Too low to even get talked about.
Looking back, kid-psych experts, school counselors now say that most of the last peak in teen suicide was kids trying to choke while they beat off. Their folks would find them, a towel twisted around their kid's neck, the towel tied to the rod in their bedroom closet, the kid dead. Dead sperm every¬where. Of course the folks cleaned up. They put some pants on their kid. They made it look ... better. Intentional at least. The regular kind of sad teen suicide.
Another friend of mine, a kid from school, his older brother in the Navy said how guys in the Middle East jack off different than we do here. This brother was stationed in some camel country where the public market sells what could be fancy letter openers. Each fancy tool is just a thin rod of pol¬ished brass or silver, maybe as long as your hand, with a big tip at one end, ei¬ther a big metal ball or the kind of fan¬cy carved handle you'd see on a sword. This Navy brother says how Arab guys get their dick hard and then insert this metal rod inside the whole length of their boner. They jack off with the rod inside, and it makes getting off so much better. More intense.
It's this big brother who travels around the world, sending back French phrases. Russian phrases. Helpful jack-off tips.
After this, the little brother, one day he doesn't show up at school. That night, he calls to ask if I'll pick up his homework for the next couple weeks. Because he's in the hospital.
He's got to share a room with old people getting their guts worked on. He says how they all have to share the same television. All he's got for privacy is a curtain. His folks don't come and visit. On the phone, he says how right now his folks could just kill his big brother in the Navy.
On the phone, the kid says how-the day before-he was just a little stoned. At home in his bedroom, he was flopped on the bed. He was lighting a candle and flipping through some old porno magazines, getting ready to beat off. This is after he's heard from his Navy brother. That helpful hint about how Arabs beat off. The kid looks around for something that might do the job. A ballpoint pen's too big. A pencil's too big and rough. But dripped down the side of the candle, there's a thin, smooth ridge of wax that just might work. With just the tip of one finger, this kid snaps the long ridge of wax off the candle. He rolls it smooth between the palms of his hands. Long and smooth and thin.
Stoned and horny, he slips it down inside, deeper and deeper into the piss slit of his boner. With a good hank of the wax still poking out the top, he gets to work.
Even now, he says those Arab guys are pretty damn smart. They've totally reinvented jacking off. Flat on his back in bed, things are getting so good, this kid can't keep track of the wax. He's one good squeeze from shooting his wad when the wax isn't sticking out anymore.
The thin wax rod, it's slipped inside. All the way inside. So deep inside he can't even feel the lump of it inside his piss tube.
From downstairs, his mom shouts it's supper time. She says to come down, right now. This wax kid and the carrot kid are different people, but we all live pretty much the same life.
It's after dinner when the kid's guts start to hurt. It's wax, so he figured it would just melt inside him and he'd pee it out. Now his back hurts. His kid¬neys. He can't stand straight.
This kid talking on the phone from his hospital bed, in the background you can hear bells ding, people scream¬ing. Game shows.
The X-rays show the truth, some¬thing long and thin, bent double inside his bladder. This long, thin V inside him, it's collecting all the minerals in his piss. It's getting bigger and rougher, coated with crystals of calci¬um, it's bumping around, ripping up the soft lining of his bladder, blocking his piss from getting out. His kidneys are backed up. What little that leaks out his dick is red with blood.
This kid and his folks, his whole fam¬ily, them looking at the black X-ray with the doctor and the nurses stand¬ing there, the big V of wax glowing white for everybody to see, he has to tell the truth. The way Arabs get off. What his big brother wrote him from the Navy.
On the phone, right now, he starts to cry.
They paid for the bladder operation with his college fund. One stupid mis¬take, and now he'll never be a lawyer.
Sticking stuff inside yourself. Stick¬ing yourself inside stuff. A candle in your dick or your head in a noose, we knew it was going to be big trouble.
What got me in trouble, I called it Pearl Diving. This meant whacking off underwater, sitting on the bottom at the deep end of my parents' swimming pool. With one deep breath, I'd kick my way to the bottom and slip off my swim trucks. I'd sit down there for two, three, four minutes.
Just from jacking oft' I had huge lung capacity. If I had the house to myself, I'd do this all afternoon. After I'd finally pump out my stuff, my sperm, it would hang there in big, fat, milky gobs.
After that was more diving, to catch it all. To collect it and wipe each hand¬ful in a towel. That's why it was called Pearl Diving. Even with chlorine, there was my sister to worry about. Or, Christ almighty, my mom.
That used to be my worst fear in the world: my teenage virgin sister, think¬ing she's just getting fat, then giving birth to a two-headed, retard baby. Both heads looking just like me. Me, the father and the uncle. In the end, it's never what you worry about that gets you.
The best part of Pearl Diving was the inlet port for the swimming pool filter and the circulation pump. The best part was getting naked and sit¬ting on it.
As the French would say, Who doesn't like getting their butt sucked? Still, one minute you're just a kid getting off, and the next minute you'll never be a lawyer.
One minute I'm settling on the pool bottom and the sky is wavy, light blue through eight feet of water above my head. The world is silent except for the heartbeat in my ears. My yellow¬striped swim trunks are looped around my neck for safe keeping, just in case a friend, a neighbor, anybody shows up to ask why I skipped foot¬ball practice. The steady suck of the pool inlet hole is lapping at me and I'm grinding my skinny white ass around on that feeling.
One minute I've got enough air and my dick's in my hand. My folks are gone at their work and my sister's got ballet. Nobody's supposed to be home for hours.
My hand brings me right to getting off, and I stop. I swim up to catch an¬other big breath. I dive down and settle on the bottom.
I do this again and again.
This must be why girls want to sit on your face. The suction is like taking a dump that never ends. My dick hard and getting my butt eaten out, I do not need air. My heartbeat in my ears, I stay under until bright stars of light start worming around in my eyes. My legs straight out, the back of each knee rubbed raw against the concrete bot¬tom. My toes are turning blue, my toes and fingers wrinkled from being so long in the water.
And then I let it happen. The big white gobs start spouting. The pearls. It's then I need some air. But when I go to kick off against the bottom, I can't. I can't get my feet under me. My ass is stuck.
Emergency paramedics will tell you that every year about 150 people get stuck this way, sucked by a circulation pump. Get your long hair caught, or your ass, and you're going to drown. Every year, tons of people do. Most of them in Florida.
People just don't talk about it. Not even French people talk about everything. Getting one knee up, getting one foot tucked under me, I get to half standing when I feel the tug against my butt. Get¬ting my other foot under me, I kick off against the bottom. I'm kicking free, not touching the concrete, but not getting to the air, either.
Still kicking water, thrashing with both arms, I'm maybe halfway to the surface but not going higher. The heartbeat in¬side my head getting loud and fast.
The bright sparks of light crossing and crisscrossing my eyes, I turn and look back ... but it doesn't make sense. This thick rope, some kind of snake, blue¬white and braided with veins, has come up out of the pool drain and it's holding on to my butt. Some of the veins are leaking blood, red blood that looks black underwater and drifts away from little rips in the pale skin of the snake. The blood trails away, disappearing in the water, and inside the snake's thin, blue¬white skin you can see lumps of some half-digested meal.
That's the only way this makes sense. Some horrible sea monster, a sea serpent, something that's never seen the light of day, it's been hiding in the dark bottom of the pool drain, waiting to eat me.
So ...I kick at it, at the slippery, rub¬bery knotted skin and veins of it, and more of it seems to pull out of the pool drain. It's maybe as long as my leg now, but still holding tight around my butt¬hole. With another kick, I'm an inch closer to getting another breath. Still feeling the snake tug at my ass, I'm an inch closer to my escape.
Knotted inside the snake, you can see corn and peanuts. You can see a long bright-orange ball. It's the kind of horse¬pill vitamin my dad makes me take, to help put on weight. To get a football scholarship. With extra iron and omega¬three fatty acids.
It's seeing that vitamin pill that saves my life.
It's not a snake. It's my large intestine, my colon pulled out of me. What doctors call prolapsed. It's my guts sucked into the drain.
Paramedics will tell you a swimming pool pump pulls 80 gallons of water every minute. That's about 400 pounds of pressure. The big problem is we're all connected together inside. Your ass is just the far end of your mouth. If I let go, the pump keeps working-unravel¬ing my insides-until it's got my tongue. Imagine taking a 400-pound shit and you can see how this might turn you inside out.
What I can tell you is your guts don't feel much pain. Not the way your skin feels pain. The stuff you're digesting, doctors call it fecal matter. Higher up is chyme, pockets of a thin, runny mess studded with corn and peanuts and round green peas.
That's all this soup of blood and corn, shit and sperm and peanuts floating around me. Even with my guts unravel¬ing out my ass, me holding on to what's left, even then my first want is to some¬how get my swimsuit back on.
God forbid my folks see my dick.
My one hand holding a fist around my ass, my other hand snags my yellow¬striped swim trunks and pulls them from around my neck. Still, getting into them is impossible.
You want to feel your intestines, go buy a pack of those lambskin condoms. Take one out and unroll it. Pack it with peanut butter. Smear it with petroleum jelly and hold it under water. Then try to tear it. Try to pull it in half. It's too tough and rubbery. It's so slimy you can't hold on.
A lambskin condom, that's just plain old intestine.
You can see what I'm up against.
You let go for a second and you're gutted.
You swim for the surface, for a breath, and you're gutted.
You don't swim and you drown.
It's a choice between being dead right now or a minute from right now.
What my folks will find after work is a big naked fetus, curled in on itself. Floating in the cloudy water of their backyard pool. Tethered to the bottom by a thick rope of veins and twisted guts. The opposite of a kid hanging himself to death while he jacks off. This is the baby they brought home from the hospital 13 years ago. Here's the kid they hoped would snag a football schol¬arship and get an MBA. Who'd care for them in their old age. Here's all their hopes and dreams. Floating here, naked and dead. All around him, big milky pearls of wasted sperm.
Either that or my folks will find me wrapped in a bloody towel, collapsed halfway from the pool to the kitchen tele¬phone, the ragged, torn scrap of my guts still hanging out the leg of my yellow¬striped swim trunks.
What even the French won't talk about.
That big brother in the Navy, he taught us one other good phrase. A Russian phrase. The way we say, "I need that like I need a hole in my head...," Russian people say, "I need that like I need teeth in my asshole......
Mne eto nado kak zuby v zadnitse.
Those stories about how animals caught in a trap will chew off their leg, well, any coyote would tell you a couple bites beats the hell out of being dead.
Hell ... even if you're Russian, someday you just might want those teeth.
Otherwise, what you have to do is¬you have to twist around. You hook one elbow behind your knee and pull that leg up into your face. You bite and snap at your own ass. You run out of air and you will chew through anything to get that next breath.
It's not something you want to tell a girl on the first date. Not if you expect a kiss good night. If I told you how it tasted, you would never, ever again eat calamari.
It's hard to say what my parents were more disgusted by: how I'd got in trou¬ble or how I'd saved myself. After the hospital, my mom said, "You didn't know what you were doing, honey. You were in shock." And she learned how to cook poached eggs.
All those people grossed out or feeling sorry for me....
I need that like I need teeth in my asshole.
Nowadays, people always tell me I look too skinny. People at dinner parties get all quiet and pissed off when I don't eat the pot roast they cooked. Pot roast kills me. Baked ham. Anything that hangs around inside my guts for longer than a couple of hours, it comes out still food. Home-cooked lima beans or chunk light tuna fish, I'll stand up and find it still sitting there in the toilet.
After you have a radical bowel resec¬tioning, you don't digest meat so great. Most people, you have five feet of large intestine. I'm lucky to have my six inch¬es. So I never got a football scholarship. Never got an MBA. Both my friends, the wax kid and the carrot kid, they grew up, got big, but I've never weighed a pound more than I did that day when I was 13.
Another big problem was my folks paid a lot of good money for that swim¬ming pool. In the end my dad just told the pool guy it was a dog. The family dog fell in and drowned. The dead body got pulled into the pump. Even when the pool guy cracked open the filter casing and fished out a rubbery tube, a watery hank of intestine with a big orange vita¬min pill still inside, even then my dad just said, "That dog was fucking nuts."
Even from my upstairs bedroom window, you could hear my dad say, "We couldn't trust that dog alone for a second...."
Then my sister missed her period.
Even after they changed the pool water, after they sold the house and we moved to another state, after my sister's abortion, even then my folks never men¬tioned it again.
Ever.
That is our invisible carrot.
You. Now you can take a good, deep breath.
I still have not.

and its sunday again

2004-12-06T00:45:22Z

alright its sunday again and the week went by, a girl from GSG at Lanier named Raechel Darden passed away, everyone was asking me if i was going to her funeral and a thought occured that people are just using her death for their own pleasure of getting together. this dissappointed me, dont get me wrong i know alotta kids who went to actually mourn her death but i guarentee alotta kids there disrespected her family and its just pretty god damn sad.

today i woke up at trevors, his mom was really nice and let me stay and gave me a key cuz they had to go to church (its like 4 hours long for them, yikes) so i sat there contemplating what i should do and decided why not just walk home. so i started a a 10 mile trek, this is probably the best thing ive done in a long time. i slept for about 2 or 3 hours the night before because i watched several movies, (saw "O", probably one of the saddest movies i ever saw, based off shakespeares play-Otthello. its very good i reccomend it) and im suprised i had enough energy to walk out the door let alone make it home. lets see what else is new

i like that one

ill just finish off with a quote to let you contemplate your allegiance to our beautiful country

"This would be easier if i was a dictator." President George W. Bush, 2001